Pieces of Me

He Woke Me Up

2010-10-16T23:51:00.002-04:00

He woke me. I lay down, submitted my Soul and Body to God, my Creator, to do with as He so chose. He woke me.

Since the day I made an attempt to leave this world, I have been so thankful that I am not in charge of my life.

However . . . I feel normal, then I don't.

Then there's the pain. It is unbearable. Intolerable. Yet I try to fake it and go through a day as normal as possible. What is normal? I don't even know at this point.

Pain in itself is depressing on top of depression. Layers of depression have devastated my body.

I worry about my children. I want so badly to be able to help them yet I am unable to do anything for them. My heart breaks that there's nothing I can do.

I enrolled in school. In order to avoid social contact, I chose to do all the classes online that I was able to find online which was three. One class is downtown Louisville. The online classes were so overwhelming that I have not even signed on to make an attempt for a couple of weeks. Public Speaking had me so upset within that I had anxiety attacks. I mustered up the courage to sign on last night but was unable to sign in. I hope I'm not thrown out. I want so badly to pass this course. I will retake the online classes next semester except in a class setting as the one class that I do have this semester has been successful. I'm thinking I'm going to take all of the classes at the Louisville campus because going here, in this town, is frightening. The thought of having to be in class ............ nevermind, it's just not a good idea. I will totally shut down as I fear it is happening already.

Fun Times

2010-09-14T15:06:00.002-04:00

Some of my best friends from high school came to my house for lunch yesterday. We had a wonderful time watching and listening to each other laugh and talk! We even called Ronetra via speaker cell phone. We had fun watching Delores film a video of my bulldog, Cordelia, share Catie's Pepsi! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzatKKVpYeo

2010-08-09T09:54:00.001-04:00

Born in AUGUST

AUGUST BIRTHDAYS: ~~Suave~~ and caring. ~~Loves to joke~~. Attractive [in the eye of the beholder]. Brave and fearless. ~~Firm~~ and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. ~~Too~~ generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. ~~Thirsty for praises.~~ Extraordinary spirit. ~~Easily angered~~. Angry when provoked. ~~Easily jealous~~. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to ~~lead and to~~ be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, ~~music and defense~~. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. ~~Learns to relax~~. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. ~~Loves~~ Likes to make friends.

Thanks FaceBook

2010-08-08T12:05:00.000-04:00

Thanks be to FaceBook I have connected to some of my life-time best friends.

That is all.

It's really me. Again.

2010-03-16T19:20:00.000-04:00

I have decided that the reason my blogs are so far apart is that I have nothing interesting going on and I completely bore myself. As if I'm not depressed enough, should I blog on a daily basis I would sink down in the bed and not come out. Again. This would happen by blogging weekly.

I read my daughter-in-laws blog www.lemonliving.blogspot.com yet seldom comment. I so seldom comment that I can't recall my sign-in info I used the time before. Same goes for this blog thing. I love reading her blog. In doing so I see my beautiful grandchildren on a regular Nana-time basis.

Had I used that little strike-through feature ~~strike through feature~~ at the beginning of this blog, I would have few words left on the blog to read.

See? This is already depressing me.

I promise I'm going to try to blog each day. Something. Anything.

Rumbles & Grumbles

2009-12-08T07:11:00.005-05:00

I don't know how I came to arrive at such a place. This will be the third Christmas since being able to purchase any gifts. At all. I know it's not about gifts; who said that anyway? Tell a two year-old that fact (whose?) when he receives gifts from everyone but his Nana. Tell that to a 12 year-old who has a birthday just before Christmas and once again, her Nana has no gifts for her. Perhaps I can bake some goodies to hand out as gifts. I baked cookies yesterday. Grumbling is not something I have ever wanted to be guilty of, yet it seems the light at the end of the tunnel grows more dim with each passing day. With the waking of another day the grumbling rumbles; and rumbles more loudly. Rumbling grumbling. I so need a Sunny spot for awhile. Even if for a week, my Heart would rejoice as my Soul would sing so loudly from the warmth of the Sun. Sun medicine. Lack of robs one's Soul of songs.

I'm not likin this

2009-12-06T01:15:00.004-05:00

I am not liking this. Christmas. Holidays in general. I have four grandchildren of whom two are already thinking Christmas is fun & presents. I'm poor. Was that heard? It's depressing. As if I had no other reason to be depressed, the holidays antagonize the condition.

I can't wait until the holidays are over. I want to sleep through til New Year's Day. Then I can put the year ahead into perspective. There are way too many splinters at this time. Splinters hurt.

O Christmas Tree

2009-12-05T15:39:00.002-05:00

With credit given to my cousin, Paula, we now have a Christmas Tree. I am so blessed to have cousins in my life who are closer than a sister, and the best friends anyone could have. Tis the Season to be Jolly (I am told).

Thanksgiving

2009-11-28T15:41:00.002-05:00

I was able to hold my new granddaughter for the first time. She was born Nov 10.

WhewwwWeeee Life Goes Right On With or Without Us

2009-11-25T14:49:00.013-05:00

I can't believe I have not been here since June 6, '08, but alas it is true. My baby girl is now All Grown UP, She graduated with a Blue Rope from Nursing Class. I am so proud of her that I am jumping up and down inside. Inside is all I jump and that is not always possible.

Kadyn, the little man you see above, is now as you see him below. Minus the Tiger suit. We do change him. :) He will be one year-old in February. My how they grow. And grow.

I think this is the first day in one month I actually left the house and stepped outside the gate. However horrid this is of me, I love this picture with a passion. My Natalee and me. We made it.

Below is a group photo of the happy family. Are they not beautiful? I still have not seen the new baby as I have been ill with Bronchitis for approximately one month.
My Grandson "Zesty" will be two years-old in March, and we now have a most beautiful little sister for him - her name is (forgot her cute little nickname as it has changed from "Sprite". Go here www.lemonliving.blogspot.com and see for yourself the excitement going on in the Lemon's Household.

I must say my Grandbabies have captured my Heart and there's no return from Babyville. They are fabulously remarkable. "Splenda" (In the Family pic above) is my soon to be 12 year-old Granddaughter. To my dismay, I see her very little. I gotta work on the hugs though, with her not being around me much in her little 12 years, she's not sure how to handle all those Nana hugs that I so want to give her. Oh well, time to sit back and watch her growing into that beautiful little lady she is becoming.

My Lyme Disease has not shown up in the most recent test, as I knew it probably would not. However having a bite for eight years before being diagnosed has left a path of destruction throughout my body. The second bite was caught in time; THANK GOD. I cannot imagine having two bites to leave my body devastated, as the first one gifted me with chronic damage. There are times when I am unable to raise off of the couch for anything that is not absolutely necessary. My depression is major. MAJOR. Where am I? I look in the mirror not recognizing the person staring back at me. That in itself is depressing in addition to the pain. What happened to the vibrant woman I was still just 10 years ago? Not a day goes by that I do not pray to be better. To be me. Again. Permanently.

Going to Walmart is a huge task. I walk mostly with my head down so that I do not have to look into eyes of people who knew me when.

Maybe I should go to sleep. I've been awake for over 24 hours now and it's not looking like I'm likely to get a nap.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I don't want to go out to join the festivities. I just don't. But, I will.

ALL GROWN UP '09

2009-06-06T20:35:00.002-04:00

Graduation. It's tomorrow. I recall Christopher's Graduation; 15 years ago. There's a special feeling a Mother has when she watches her child walk across a stage, receive their Diploma, then walk off the stage into a real-live grown-up world. Just last week, Natalee, when I asked where was the DIVA Lic. Plate I bought her for her car when she turned 16, replied to me with eyes downward "I'm not 16 anymore Mom".

ALL GROWN UP '09

More Quizzes (I'll try to stop here)

2009-06-06T20:19:00.004-04:00

Crystal Murphy

Crystal took the What does your Eye Color reveal about you? quiz and got the result: 88% Black, 12% Brown..

88% Black, 12% Brown: Rare, old eyes, smart, wise, learns fast, dangerous when irrtated,that is easily done. Your ideal role in society would be the Story Teller.

Crystal Murphy

Crystal took the Who Are You...REALLY??? quiz and got the result: The Forsaken One..

The Forsaken One: Sometimes you wonder about this life... is it worth living for? Your experiences have tethered your heart, your woes weigh down on your soul. It is hard for you to fathom the reason behind the hardship... but somehow you find a way. Your deep understanding of pain results in an empathy for others who have experienced similar. You will be the last to judge someone for who they are and what they've been through. You put up walls to guard yourself; but when you let someone in, they are able to see what a deep and fantastic being you are.

Crystal Murphy . . . and this happens at what age? lol

Crystal took the PALM READING quiz and got the result: Blissful and loving life..

Blissful and loving life: Your hands tell you that you will live a blissful and loving life in which you are surrounded by loved ones and enjoy the close bonds you've developed with people - your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, children, etc. These will be the people who are eager to share your happiness or help you out during difficult times.

Ronetra K. Hosler at 10:58pm June 5

How about now!

Crystal Murphy at 8:21am June 6

Now would be perfect my dear friend!

Crystal completed the quiz "Which of your Chakras is most open?" with the result Root Chakra.

The Root Chakra represents being "physically there" and feeling at home in certain situations. You feel grounded, stable and secure in your environment and are connected to your body, meaning that you feel as though you ''fit your skin''. You don't necessarily distrust people, but you are cautious as to whom you give your trust to. Make sure you don't become greedy or resist change..

Crystal Murphy Paint with all the colors of the Wind . . .

Colors of the Wind

Source: www.youtube.com

Colors of the Wind from Pocahontas

Robin Hosler at 8:48pm June 5

The wind aint got no color. the sky has color, the water has color and the ground has color. If the wind has colors, then it's blowing some dirt around. ha ha ha

Crystal Murphy at 9:08pm June 5

lol, but the Wind does have color my friend.

Crystal Murphy The first three lines are totally off.

Your Rising Sign is Libra

Source: blogthings.com

A total charmer, it's hard for people to say no to you. Irresistible and attractive, you have no shortage of love interests. Totally competitive, you tend to thrive in stressful environments. A peaceful soul, you avoid conflict at almost all costs. ...

Malia Glotzbach at 12:29pm June 5

But totally me!

Crystal Murphy at 4:16pm June 5

LOL, your'e right!

2009-06-04T19:29:00.001-04:00

Crystal completed the quiz "Which Disney Girl Are You?" with the result Pocahontas.

You are intuned with nature. You love everything about it from the rather bad days to the lovely nice days. Everything about it is wonderful. However, because of this you do tend to lead a rather sheltered life because of where your people are. But you are definitely not afraid to explore what the world has to offer. .

15 minutes ago · Comment · Like Unlike · Take this quiz!

2009-06-04T19:28:00.002-04:00

Crystal completed the quiz "What kind of mask do you wear?" with the result Innocence.

Your mask is innocence. You are innocent but not easily impressionable. You always give people the benefit of the doubt, and are nice to everyone you meet. You never really judge anyone, but you sometimes may judge yourself. Everyone who meets you usually adores you, even if you don't really know it. You always think you may be messing up or doing something wrong, but you're usually not. You don't have a problem restricting yourself from things you think you shouldn't do, although sometimes you're a bit curious. Sometimes people try to take advantage of you, but you don't always notice. Over all you're untainted, friendly, and everyone loves you. .

Was there any doubt?

2009-06-04T19:25:00.002-04:00

Okay, so please do not ask me to give up my license plate of 10 years, okay?

Crystal completed the quiz "What Spice Girl Are You?" with the result Posh Spice.

You are Posh Spice, the sexy, dangerous one of the group. You are stubborn and hate to be told what to do, but you love to party, especially with the guys. .

3 minutes ago · Comment · Like Unlike · Take this quiz!

Speaking of worth keeping ......

2009-06-04T17:21:00.006-04:00

Just look at these two gems. My eldest grandson is eating watermelon [I think] for the first time. He loves to eat; I love to watch him eat. Then there's little pudgy-wudgy who loves to watch his Mommy photograph him. What doll-babies. I am in love.

The Little Lost Blog ;o]

2009-06-04T17:14:00.003-04:00

No one reads my blog. That's kind of lonely, but also not. Okay, am I talking in riddles? If no one reads it then I can type anything I want about anything I want without a care in the world as to who does or does not read my blog. I have developed a likeness for Face Book. Therefore, I sometimes will copy my status posts to this blog so that I never lose them. Some of those thoughts are worth keeping.

Commencement. This Sunday. Oh my.

2009-06-04T17:06:00.008-04:00

I should not be frightened, but I am. My 2nd child will graduate from high school this Sunday, June 7 @ 2:30 o'clock in the afternoon. Consider this your invitation.

I am the Deer; so I'm told

2009-06-04T15:42:00.002-04:00

I took this cute little quiz on Face Book just now. Well, what I thought would be a cute little quiz, or what should have been. It was to determine which Animal of the Wild you are. I'm thinking "fun"! My result was the Deer. Now what about the Deer should not be cute and welcome at that? Those of you who know me, know that I have Lyme Disease. Deer carry the tick, not the disease, which plays severe havoc on a person's being. Therefore, this cute little quiz was very real to me. What I am, is what has destroyed me:

Your Result: You are the Deer

You are a very graceful and beautiful person on the inside and outside. You can act rashly in some situations, but for the most part you uphold your dignity. You are a strong leader and are quick to detect danger. You know your boundaries, but are not afraid to try new things. You are well liked and are a sweet and caring person. You never lose your temper and are very gentle. You can adjust to new places quickly and are very enduring.

take this quiz again | see more quizzes

Natalee's Last Day as a High Schooler

2009-06-02T08:26:00.004-04:00

Yesterday being the last day of school is bittersweet. I can't believe Natalee will never need another reminder to wake up, another parent note for being late, or to ask for money for school. Watching her grow into young-womanhood has been an adventure. One I will cherish always. Despite the many nights, and days, of worrying, crying, screaming at one another, I am so very proud of her accomplishments. UgOgIrL! :)

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-21T22:48:00.004-04:00

I recently joined FaceBook which has reunited me with high school friends. I can't begin to describe how happy I am to have found people who remind me of the me I feared I had lost.

Tomorrow I leave for Nashville. I'm thrilled to accept the gracious invitation from one of my very best friends. Talks, laughs, reflections ........ what a fun, wonderful weekend I am anticipating!

Okay, this little blog is over. Everyone have a happy weekend!

Now for some important stuff . . . ;o)

2009-05-18T14:30:00.008-04:00

Meet Kadyn Matthew on the left. I have been blessed with yet two more Grandchildren since last I blogged. Grandsons. I believe one had just been announced, and one is brand new since February. On the right is my Grandson born in March '08, pictured with his big sister.

To my deep-down-to-the-end friends. You know who you are.

2009-05-18T14:24:00.002-04:00

To those of you have remained a true friend over the years, and those who have recently shown their friendship, this is for you; be blessed:

Good afternoon! I did it!

2009-05-18T14:11:00.004-04:00

After a couple of years of wondering what in the heck I did to mess up the font in this blog, I finally figured it out! Yes. I'm excited. Now I can delete the newest blog I made and continue with this one! Yay!!!

Nana x 3

2008-12-12T09:48:00.003-05:00

I am going to be a Nana - AGAIN! Yes, I'm thrilled. I have two beautiful grandbabies already, and you can view their cuteness at www.lemonliving.blogspot.com.

Miss Natalee is going to be a first-time Mama in February. He is a baby boy! She turned 18 in July, and with that, she turned on the very stern "It's my life Mom" ...... she's taken this very seriously, so hard as it may be, I'm slowly learning to back off.

Backing off - very difficult. Especially when I was the type of Mom that always allowed my children freedom of choice unless disaster was foreseen. (I'm good like that.)

Blogging - I can only do so interestingly when inspired. I never was able to perform on command. As you can see, other than the fact of becoming a Nana again, There's not much to say at this time.

2008-10-24T03:13:00.003-04:00

Okay, so today I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Or yesterday (Thursday). PTSD. PTSD. I have been repeating it to myself many times this afternoon. I have done research, then combined that research with a description I got from a man who used to be in the military. I thought it was military related only. Wrong.

It seems PTSD is what happens to a person when so many bad things have happened that they can't get past them. Thus, they get stuck. Okay, I am stuck.

This may sound disturbing to some, but to me, it's okay. I am neither surprised or upset. Aside from my current residential status, my life is in the best possible place. I have two beautiful grandchildren and one arriving in February. It doesn't get any better than this. I should know.

MURPHY'S LAW 101,101,101,101,101 . . .

2007-09-13T18:56:00.001-04:00

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 ........... remembering:

http://www.dearallofyou.com/sacredheart/sacredheartafterpleasehelpkeep.html

Also, on Tuesday, 09/11 of this year, I was terminated from my position as Park Worker II / Hostess at General Butler State Resort Park, without cause. Those were the words on the letter. Without cause. Okay, so this means many things, yet only one. I know. They know. Those of you reading this know. Can we say DISCRIMINATION?

Yep, now they are rid of not only me, but the one person they've fought hardest to make quit on their own . . . yes, Miss Natalee Ellen. However, she was stronger than the monster and did not quit. Neither did I through all of the harrassment. Harrassment. What an ugly behavior. Natalee and I were harrassed almost daily. Yet, we tried to struggle through it and perhaps, just maybe, I mean, we hoped that maybe . . . eventually they'd like us like they like everyone else, because we really do want to work at the park. We like our job. We care about the park. So what the heck is the problem? I saw so much BS transpire in front of my very eyes, and none that my daughter and I were a part of . . . yet, I was terminated. I guess that's what it was. We weren't like others, and ya know, I'm sort of proud to be able to say that.

Gotta run! See ya!

Leon Redbone

2007-09-10T12:10:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I went to the Blues to the Point Saturday evening and paid $20 to get in to see Leon Redbone. It was worth it! The man behind the music is a legend, an art . . .
I took the risk and walked up to him after the show and asked for his autograph. I did this with nothing but an envelope with the contents being two of my pieces of poetry. I had promised these poems to a great friend, songwriter, singer, and one-day-legend, who was playing downtown. I tried to give this to him on my way to Leon's show, but he wasn't there. I had intentions of giving them to him on my way, back . . . but alas, the poetry wasn't there. Yes, Leon Redbone not only autographed the envelope, and my pen he used for the signing, but he also kept the contents. I'm honored. Sorry Keith, I can send you some more. Promise.

Not only is Leon Redbone one of my favs due to childhood memories, I do love his work. After the show, I was walking home, my cousin called. He informed me that Leon Redbone was also a fav of my dear brother who no longer walks this earth in the physical form. I knew I had a sense of calm that night - Russell was with me.

He was with me, protecting me as he did all my childhood years and beyond . . . he is pleased that I have found his beautiful sons once again . . .

I text-messaged with Calvin most of the evening up until last night. He was doing a show in Cinci. I'm so very proud, as I know his Daddy is.

David is having some issues at whether or not he should maintain a relationship with me because of some influences in his life. It's all okay David. I love you and Calvin more than anything, just like my own . . . whatever it takes to keep your life peaceful, I will accept. Just know that I am with you in heart, soul, and thoughts, all the time. If you ever need me, I'm here for you. Though my life is crazy with chaos, I will still try to find a way to put aside all of that for you. Of you I am proud as well. You are doing your best to follow your heart and do the right thing for everyone concerned. So much like your Daddy, and yeah, me too - regardless what others say . . . they don't know.

. . . after all of this, all of this calm, peaceful Saturday evening with Leon Redbone, I walked up to the doors of a church I'd been wanting to attend, and went inside . . .

Until next time . . . "Keep On Truckin" . . . Baby . . .

Turning Point

2007-08-28T14:47:00.003-04:00

My life took a drastic curve today. I withdrew Natalee from public school. In simpler words, I allowed her to quit. High School. She will begin Homeschooling where she will graduate by the time she is 18 and will begin college in the Fall.

I feel a sense of relief. She never did well, and was never happy in public schools. All of that is not the responsibility of her or myself. The school system holds some of the responsibility, but they will never admit it. Therefore, I as her parent, had to make a choice. I made that choice today.

Another form of emotional devastation, is that people I love, people close to me that I love with all of my heart, drive me crazy! Seriously.

I'm making decisions as of today. Decisions to rid myself of these negative influences circling me on a daily basis. I'm doing this as a measure of "last call to save myself" so-to-speak.

Anyway, I love you.

I hope your day has been good.

Family Reunion . . . August 18, 2007

2007-08-22T20:29:00.001-04:00

L-R - Michael Claude Murphy, David Michael Murphy, Margaret Ellen Skirvin, Gracie Irene Renee Murphy (on great-grandma's lap)
Back L-R - Mary Liesa Skirvin Wilson & Crystal Murphy

Puppies!

2007-08-20T00:59:00.001-04:00

We have, or uhm, Cordie has, two new puppies! Born today in Cincinnati, they are two precious baby boys!

Meet the Murphys

2007-08-18T20:15:00.002-04:00

I, for the first time since early Spring 1999, saw one of my nephews! My joy is running over this day! He now has a beautiful, wonderful wife, Heather, and a most beautiful daughter, Miss Gracie Irene Renee Murphy, if you please. He also has two beautiful sons, Riley & Jonathan (not sure if I spelled that correctly). I did not get to meet Riley, but I did Jonathan. Hopefully soon, I can meet Riley.

Hopefully soon . . . I can see Mr. Calvin Thomas Murphy . . . my other nephew! Calvin, can you hear me now? Can't wait to see ya!

This is wonderful! I am happy. Does it show?

Oh yeah, and by the way, we did have a great family reunion today. Those unable to attend were sadly missed. It was a really wonderful day!

For shame, for shame . . .

2007-08-04T11:43:00.001-04:00

I'm sickened. This morning, I read an online article with regards to the U.S. Soldier found guilty of rape, murder, etc. of a 14 year-old Iraqi girl. Some comments posted by people causes me much shame for what is supposed to be a compassionate, Christian-founded country. Yes, that would be the good ole U.S. of A. Some posts were cruel, cold-hearted, and just right down disgusting toward that innocent Iraqi girl. Where are our morals? Where is the compassion we profess to have brought to the original savages of this country? Mind you - that last sentence is in no way my true feelings on my Native People, but is sarcasm . . . sarcasm brought on by attitudes of those who believe the original People of this country, and those of other countries deserve rape, torture, and death. Hatred breeds hatred, which breeds more hatred which infects the world with hate-infested descendants. Think about it.

Ticks & More Ticks

2007-07-20T12:36:00.002-04:00

Uhm, I have Lyme Disease. Yes. Lyme Disease. Not just from one tick bite, but two. Yes. Two bites. One old, one as fresh as 3 months. Wow. In all my wildest thoughts, I would never have imagined Lyme Disease. When the MRI showed nonspecific white matter disease, everything possible went through my head. I accepted all possibilities. I even accepted that if my ticket was up, it was just up. Mentally, I prepared for the worse. However, not one time while researching white matter disease, did Lyme Disease come up in searches.

Good news. It's curable. Annoyingly though, is that there are two bites causing the pain. The old one, I believe is from Summer of 1999 while living in Gallatin County. The fresh one? Well, I just did move from the country here in Carroll County - back to town. I loved that country home. But I'm speaking from experience when I say that we sure can't have everything we love.

Treatment? I am on three weeks of antibiotic. After which, if the disease is not gone, I will undergo three weeks of IV antibiotic. Either way, it's curable.

I have laughed and cried for what seems like 24 - 48 hours over one thing or another.

LIFE 101

Celebrate Natalee!

2007-07-18T12:06:00.002-04:00

Yes, today is here! It's another day we are blessed with. I don't feel great, I feel awful actually. But ya know what? It's just me and God. God, our Creator, walks with me always.

Yesterday was Natalee's birthday. Although few family members and friends were here, we had a happy July 17!

The whole thing was spontaneous. I have been very ill with pain and did not plan a gathering. It just happened that way. I baked her a cake. Her boyfriend came to town to see her. He's a good kid. Not to mention he's handy with the grill . . . I had some meat in the freezer so I defrosted it. We grilled out Meat & Potatoes. Had a pretty cake if must say so myself. The day was a success with no plans. My cousins, Paula & Olivia, stopped in to say "HB".

I am all about spontaneity.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALEE!

The Color of Pain

2007-07-14T01:58:00.004-04:00

Dealing with chronic pain ......... no one can explain it, no one can define it - each person's pain is unique. I stumbled across an article with regards to how people with complaints of pain are perceived. This article was very real for me. Once again, I am not alone in realizing that some folks only feel pain if it is their own.

Pieces from Bankruptcies of the Heart:

The Four Most Commonly Referenced Secondary Gains

The myth is that persons disabled by chronic pain generally enjoy:

1) attention and sympathy from family, friends, and physicians
2) release from task responsibilities at home and at work
3) narcotic medications presumed to induce constant euphoria
4) monetary compensation which approximates actual wages

The Four Least Commonly Recognized Secondary Losses

The reality is that persons disabled by chronic pain generally endure:

1) anger/trivialization/rejection by family, friends, and physicians
2) complicated/frustrating tasks dealing with new bureaucracies
3) agonizing pain without medication; unpleasant side effects with medication
4) denial of disability benefits to which they are legally entitled

Interested? http://www.cssa-inc.org/Articles/Bankruptcies.htm

It is a Good Day to Die

2007-07-13T12:28:00.000-04:00

For those who aren't in tune with Native quotes, the titled words are a quote from Geronimo, Chief of the Apache. The quote simply states, that what will be, will be. If it's my day, it's a good day; so-be-it.

If we could all carry that attitude with us each day, we'd be less stressed and more accepting of what comes in and out of our lives. Therefore, we'd be happier. I am guilty. I am. For at times I am weak and forget the wise words of those gone before me. At other times, I am victorious! Although others are unaccepting of me, I stand my ground. I face the enemy with a force of passion without fear of what power they could use against me. Yesterday was one of those days. Now, this day, I feel "It is a good day to die".

Please read with open ears the prayer sent me by a dear sister:

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Grandfather, Great Spirit, once more
behold me on earth and lean to hear my
feeble voice. You lived first, and You are
older than all need, older than all
prayer....You are the life of all things."
-Black Elk, OGLALA SIOUX

Great Spirit--

Sometimes I don't feel like praying. Sometimes
when I have done something wrong, I'm ashamed
to come to You. Even though You have always been
there for me, I sometimes choose to stay away.

It's been hard for me to understand what all knowing is.
Sometimes it's hard for me to see how much You
really care. But I know if I take a few minutes and
think about what I know to be true about You, then
things change and I am able to realize Your power
and Your love.

Today, I'll start by thinking You. I'll think about
all the times you have helped and guided me in
the past. You are life, You are love, You are power,
You are desire, You are truth, You are principle,
You are intelligence, You are courage. With you I
am everything; without You I am nothing.

Creator, thank
You for
allowing me to
start my day
with You.

By: Don Coyhis

Trail of Tears: Cherokee Legacy Native American Indian

2007-07-12T23:28:00.001-04:00

Cherokee and Creek people discuss the Allotment Act

2007-07-12T23:18:00.001-04:00

Native American Indian Cherokee War Dance

2007-07-12T23:13:00.001-04:00

Native American - Amazing Grace (in cherokee)

2007-07-12T23:08:00.001-04:00

Long Train of Abuses Part 1(Updated Version)

2007-07-12T23:05:00.001-04:00

Long Train of Abuses Part 2(Updated Version)

2007-07-12T23:04:00.001-04:00

What is Posh?

2007-07-12T10:46:00.001-04:00

The word "Posh" is slang for "class", "style", etc. Once I had a very special friend who took me to nice places taught me the meaning of "Posh". He referred to these places and things such as eating establishments, motels, cars, etc., as being "Posh". When I first came to AOL, I wanted a name that would make reference to the pride I strive to walk with. Seeing how Native People hold a most high class and unique style, I chose "Posh".

Reflecting

2007-07-12T10:34:00.002-04:00

You are my Sunshine - My Only Sunshine
You make me Happy when Skies are Gray.
You'll never know Dear, how much I love you
Please don't take, my Sunshine away.

When my children were small, I sang this song to both of them. Little did I know that my Dad also sang this song in his younger days. My Aunt, his sister, told me. My Heart smiles at the thought of seeing and hearing my Daddy sing the same song that I always sang to my children.
How ironic is that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somewhere, over the Rainbow,
way up high -
There's a land that I've heard of
Once in a lullaby . . .
Somewhere, over the Rainbow,
Bluebirds fly -
If birds fly over the Rainbow, then why
tell me why can't I?

I retreat back to that one when I need an
innocent place to fly away to for awhile.
I've heard it said:
"People need love the most,
When they deserve it the least."

*Crystal*

Random Stuff

2007-07-12T08:58:00.001-04:00

Online news is my news source of choice. Okay, so this morning I've been online researching lots of stuff. I blame this on the MSN news health headlines.

The previous two hours can be blamed first on "Kings don't rule the castle - queens do" http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19713567/wid/11915773 (psssst ........ this has always been a practice among the original People aka Native American cultures. Next, this caught my eye "Jump in bed: Sex can help you stay healthy" http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19696794/ . Now although that brightly snatched my attention, this one, not so brightly, held priority "Older folks literally don't get the joke" http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19707401/wid/11915773/ . Which led me to this "Who is at risk for Shingles?" because I had Shingles at the age of 13 years.

Okay, this Shingles article says that a person who has had Chickenpox is a candidate for Shingles. I never had Chickenpox. It also states that a person who comes in contact with a person with Shingles who has never had Chickenpox, will not get Shingles but will indeed get Chickenpox. This is confusing. Here, read it for yourself http://www.shinglesinfo.com/risk-factors-for-shingles.html?WT.srch=1&WT.mc_id=SH03M . After a couple of hours of clicking on one link, leading to another click, I began to research (once again) . . . Lyme Disease. Yep. Lyme Disease which has taken up residence in my body. Not from one tick bite, but two. One old, one new (not a poetic attempt). Something inside me was hoping I'd find some information I had overlooked previously. Nope. All the links were familiar.

I have an appointment with an Infectious Disease Doctor next Thursday at 10:30 a.m. The following Monday, I return to the Neurologist for a followup. He doesn't even know his ordered blood work returned the diagnosis of Lyme Disease. I'm looking forward to seeing him.

Please research Lyme Disease online. Educate yourselves and take steps to prevent your family and friends from contracting the disease. It's painful. The good news is - it's treatable. The downside is - if left untreated, it becomes a monster. I'm fighting that demon as I type. http://www.lyme.org/

As the saying (I hate those) go, last but not least . . . this caught my eye with a bit of eyebrow twitching "What Not to Wear If You're Over 40" http://shopping.aol.com/pages/6-Things-Every-Woman-Over-40-Should-Not-Wear/20323 . Seeing how I passed "40" a decade ago, reading this was a must.

I'm going to get dressed. I'm pulling out my mid-thigh jacket to wear over my horizontal striped (tight) sweater, which in fact looks quite hot with my low-rise, capri-length Levis.

Have a nice day.

Days of Endless Meaningless . . .

2007-07-11T18:56:00.002-04:00

NOT ............ never, ever are my days endless and meaningless . . . despite popular belief.

Today, I stood before the judge while she ordered my beautiful, nearly 17 year-old daughter to "obey your Mother's rules".

Detention is a place where out-of-control, running the streets, running away, suicide attempting, drug-seeking, drug-using, gang-hanging, punk-fighting children go. Is that not the way it appears to the public eye? Yes. Thank you. It is. However, I know that not all children who go to detention are stereotypical to the aforementioned characteristics.

I know this because my daughter went there and she is nothing like the stereotypical, desperate teen who ends up in custody of the courts. How did she end up there in the first place you ask? I signed papers. Yes. I did. There was an immediate urgency to handle a situation. I handled it. End of story.

So, what happens? We shall see.

NatE does indeed have a boyfriend I would rather she not be with. But I'm leaving it in the hands of God that she will make this choice on her own and let him go. Am I handling this in the right way? I don't know. I'm praying each day. I'm talking to the Lord, our God, our Creator on a regular basis.

I reflect back to my own life's experiences as a young girl. Never once was I allowed to think for myself. This is why I allowed my children to make choices for themselves as long as they weren't going to be in any danger. When the situation comes full circle, they usually make the right choice. Then I smile with pride and knowing that I raised them good. Be respectful. Be considerate. Love your spouse. Love your family.

My grandmother, Maw, was a very wise woman. There are a few profound statements she made to me which have followed me throughout my journeys. One is this:

"Be good to your children. Love your children. Take care of your children. But don't build your life around your children because they'll grow up and leave you, then you'll be left alone."

Maw had no idea her words would become so crucial in my days of meaningful steps . . . Maw was right.

The Wedding

2007-07-11T18:37:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I haven't posted in a month or so. I created another blogsite www.crystal-murphy.blogspot.com in order to post my life's work. Writings. Whether good or bad, so be it. It is mine. All mine. No one's but mine.

Anyway ........

The Wedding was a glorious! For pictures, please refer to www.thelizness.blogspot.com

~ Welcome ~

2007-05-20T13:20:00.001-04:00

Welcome . . . I don't have much to say at this time. I contributed most of my creativity to www.lemonliving.blogspot.com .... Liz is marrying my Son, James Christopher Gossom. I spent many nights alone while Chris's Dad worked 2nd shift deciding on the perfect name for my little bundle of joy prior to his birth. I chose that name. I love that name.

Natalee is very sick. She has Strep. Her white-count is 20,000. 4 x the norm the doc said.

I can't force myself to write. I've been writing since the age of 15. However, it's not a gift I can just make happen. I must feel insipired. When I am, please feel free to share in my Journeys.