I haven't been here for awhile. So much has happened that most days I can't grasp the reality of it all. Tucked away in my purse, I found a napkin on which I wrote the following:

12 Jan 2020

I nearly kept walking into an abyss of misty emotion swirling in and out of my mind. I wanted to walk until I came face-to-face with the nothingness engulfing my Soul - I wanted to walk into the mist, through its blinding breathlessness then come out on the other side where blissful peace would await me.

I have no identiy; instead I am a blend of every dysfunctinal, traumatic relationship of my life which includes friends, men, and most sadly - family.

I am, and have been, a disappointment to most who have loved me; my Mom, children, siblings, aunts and uncles. I cannot include my father as although I may have disappointed him - he disappointed me even more.

This is a swankly little place. Italian and swanky. I chose to stop here rather than disappear into the mist. I suppose yet again I caught myself. Swanky music - as if I'm in a 1920s movie and the very minute I'm ready to toss myself into the wind - I am saved by the mysterious, dark, handsome man, complete with top hat and trench coat. Wishful thoughts.

My tea glass is emply. I'm not pleased with the dipping sauce but I suppose there are worse things. I could have acutally disappeared today. Truly. I was walking into it - one day I may - but not today.

The bottom of the glass is when you look into the mirror and see the reality of being a disappoinment to yourself.

Life was not supposed to end this way be this hard.

A new ending. I will write a new ending.

Reflections

Although I am thankful for each new day, really, I am, I miss my children and grandchildren. I miss my friends. I miss making plans. I miss waking up each morning, hitting the snooze button multiple times, then jumping out of bed and racing to ready myself for work, and most always sliding into my desk at the very last minute.

Punctuality was not a personal strength ..... until 2005. I finally grew up, learned self-discipline with regards to being punctual, then got taken down by a couple of deer-tick bites. Unbelievable. But .... back to the story. 

I miss making plans for grocery shopping, even those late-night trips to Walmart, so my kids could have their friends over to wreak havoc on the kitchen, watch TV all night, run in and out of the house, etc. I miss making plans for the weekend, grabbing some happy hours, meeting new people, making plans for New Year's Eve ..... then after it was all over, heading back to work on Monday morning. I miss those yearly trips to Cherokee where I met up with friends. I miss Pow Wows. Once on a whim, on Valentine's Day, I drove to Lansing Michigan for a Pow Wow. By the time I got there, an hour remained, I ate fry-bread, then drove back to Kentucky. I miss jumping in the car and taking off when the Wind brushed past me and called my name. Yes. I am blessed in many ways, I know this - this is not a complaint. It is however, a gesture to remind those close to me how much I miss them and how blessed I am that they have shared my life and allowed me to share theirs. ♥

Conclusion

It's always best to know where you stand. And to allow others the same respect. I concluded that just this very night.~Posh (cmm)

Celebrate Our Lives

Just as we move on from one year to the next, relationship to relationship, the many journeys we make in our lifetimes, one day we make the final Journey. The big one. We all, sure as we are born, must make the crossing from this life to the next. There's no getting over on it, no manipulative movement can give us an escape; it's going to happen to all of us. 

No, I have not always been so accepting of this. Nor were my yesterdays so brave and maybe tomorrow I will take yet another plunge downward into grief for my loved ones who have already made that final trip. But for today .... 

A high school classmate has taken the journey that we all must face one day. We so wish that his time hadn't come so soon. It brings to mind my own brother who was friends with this guy and I feel certain that he met him at the crossing. May God, Creator and finisher of all of us, wrap a blanket of warmth around Rick's family as they learn to accept his moving on to the next life. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Allow yourselves to grieve, and in doing so, honor his love of life, his beautiful creation - his daughter - and know that he will always be with you. Always. This I know.

Free Leonard Peltier - Signatures Needed

Please sign this petition to free Leonard Peltier:

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/free-leonard-peltier/p3yk4sjr

25,000 signatures are needed by Dec 13. Please sign and pass forward.

Thanks.

Honoring Our Veterans

In honor, and memory, of my Grandfathers before me, my Father, my beloved Brother, all my Relations before me, those living Relations, far and wide who have served and are still serving our Country. Those who have, with their lives, served for other Countries to ensure their safety. For all the Veterans, everywhere, who have sacrificed their lives, whether in death or absence - for us. May you be blessed always. You've given so much, so selflessly. May you ever remain highly recognized and held in high honor as our true Heroes.

Show Me Something Real

Recent months have brought me to a stopping point by slamming me into a brick wall. Again. I don't know how many times my head had to be slammed (really) before I stopped, looked up, cried out "Please, please make something "real" in my life." Life had come to the point of not much feeling real. It felt as though I was floating out there watching everyone else's life going on, moving forward, yet mine had become the stagnant green sitting next to that moss-covered pond.

Today was just a step. But indeed a step. I did something. I got up this morning, began busying myself and I did something worthwhile; and not good as in I treated myself to Subway.

Creator of my Soul, I thank you for showing me something real.