He Woke Me Up

He woke me. I lay down, submitted my Soul and Body to God, my Creator, to do with as He so chose.  He woke me.

Since the day I made an attempt to leave this world, I have been so thankful that I am not in charge of my life.

However . . .  I feel normal, then I don't.

Then there's the pain. It is unbearable. Intolerable. Yet I try to fake it and go through a day as normal as possible. What is normal?  I don't even know at this point.

Pain in itself is depressing on top of depression. Layers of depression have devastated my body.

I worry about my children. I want so badly to be able to help them yet I am unable to do anything for them.  My heart breaks that there's nothing I can do.

I enrolled in school. In order to avoid social contact, I chose to do all the classes online that I was able to find online which was three. One class is downtown Louisville. The online classes were so overwhelming that I have not even signed on to make an attempt for a couple of weeks.  Public Speaking had me so upset within that I had anxiety attacks. I mustered up the courage to sign on last night but was unable to sign in. I hope I'm not thrown out.  I want so badly to pass this course. I will retake the online classes next semester except in a class setting as the one class that I do have this semester has been successful. I'm thinking I'm going to take all of the classes at the Louisville campus because going here, in this town, is frightening. The thought of having to be in class ............ nevermind, it's just not a good idea. I will totally shut down as I fear it is happening already.